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Which shows should I book? What should I see? Perennial questions asked by funky fest-goers – and everyone who digs the fest is funky, even the famed purple-rinse brigade (should you young ‘uns scoff, ask yourself: do you have the courage to wear purple hair?).

But back to the questions. It’s a tough one, especially if you’re a first-timer and not really up to date on matters thespian. And no one’s gonna give you an answer either, least of all the Festival committee. “They’re (all the shows) are like our children, we love them all equally,” is what you’ll read on the website (or something along those lines – I’m on a slow line here — don’t expect me to check the exact wording).

So what’s a poor punter to do? Well, I’ll tune you.

First off, if you know anyone in theatre — even remotely, like a friend of a facebook friend — whose involved in a performance, go see it, even if you think it’s k*k, because Grahamstown’s a small place and there’s only so many places to go for a drink. So you’re bound to run into that person, or be introduced to them. And you don’t want to suffer the embarrassment of admitting to them on the night they’ve just finished their last performance that you never took the trouble to see it.

So that’s one show (or two or three) down. Next step? Go see my friends (although some of them might deny that relationship).

That would mean the following: Sitting man; Inner Piece; Carbon; Paydirt; High Diving; Quack!; Rumpsteak; and Rob van Vuuren is Rob van Wurin for a good laugh at the self-effacing comic genius of the oke without the snor. Oh! And The Zoo Story.

That’s it! I’ve got fewer friends than I thought despite that fact that I punt them shamelessly.

Then of course there’s anything in which any of the following are involved: Lara Foot Newton; Andrew Buckland; Janice Honeyman; Mike van Graan; Mpumelelo Grootboom; Craig Morris…and others (google SA theatre greats if you want more, dammit! I only know so much about theatre)

And then there’s the dance on the main programme. Don’t miss Dada Masilo’s nervy brilliance, and PJ Sabbagha has never disappointed. And Standard Bank Young Artist Award Winner Thabo Rapoo should be seen. And just the fact that mad sound maestro, James Webb, is working in Body of Evidence puts it on my ticket wish list.

Furthermore, you’ve got to book at least one show which is a pure chancer — no names or acclaim – be, like, open, man, for surprise and, like, serendipity. Seriously!

And go check out some panstula dance moves, if you’re a honky it might make your mind fire up some neglected neural pathways to your feet.

Now if you’ve still got space on your booking sheet there’re a couple of shows I saw last year I can recommend: Isabella and Pictures of You (just make sure you’re wide awake for Pictures of You; it’s brilliant, but the lack of sound and a darkened auditorium can have a narcotic effect if you’re lacking zzzs).

So is that enough? Is it? There’s still music and comedy and art and tours and Think Fest and Wordfest and street theatre and all other sorts of thingies.

If you’re still chewing the end of your pencil then tear the programme up, put the pages on a wall and throw darts at it – you really can’t go wrong.

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